PRAYING OVER ZECHARIAH

It is past 4 am on Christmas Eve and it is only now that I am beginning this Advent Recollection. I plan to finish this recollection as a gift to myself.

In the Lenten Pins of Light recollection, I was struggling with my responsibility of taking care of my 94-year old bedridden aunt without any resources left at my disposal. Through it all, God provided for me and my mom as we tried to take care of my aunt and live day by day. Not to say life became easier. The months that followed were absolute hell for me, as the resources dwindled and my responsibilities then included being an unpaid caregiver to my aunt. I couldn’t even tell what day it was anymore, because I slept late in the morning and I slept very little, three to four hours.

Despite everyone’s efforts, my aunt gradually lost her will to live. The day before she passed, she wouldn’t even open her mouth to eat or drink. On the day she passed, she did agree to eating and drinking something. But the intake was very little. My prayers were answered. I got my wish that she pass peacefully in her sleep if there was no hope anymore that she would get well. Again, with the help of God’s instruments, my friends and classmates, some neighbors and one relative, I was able to have her body cremated. She will be interred before year-end.

I was quite emotional while hearing Robbie Williams’ song. While listening to it, I thought about the song being about loved ones who have passed. My mother says an extra rosary apart from our daily rosary and prayers, dedicated to my aunt. We have been left financially devastated by my aunt’s illness, and have yet to recover completely from the physical, emotional and mental suffering and trauma of caring for a loved one. Personally, I don’t know if I am okay 100%. Unlike my mom, I saw my aunt’s body as it entered the crematorium, so in a way, I have the most complete closure. But I cried unexpectedly while listening to a Christmas song, so I don’t know how I will process the grief this time. This is the second death in our family, there’s just me and my mom now.

While reading the passage about Zechariah, I was struck by his initial reaction. He was troubled. I thought, why was he troubled? Until I thought further and realized, that’s how I might react, too. In my life, I have come to associate God with suffering. Trying to follow God isn’t easy and is likely to get you into trouble on this earth. In my imagination, Zechariah was going, “Na naman?! Why me?! ” upon seeing the angel. That’s how I would have reacted.

Thinking about Zechariah, I realized he and I are the same when it comes to dreams. If there’s one thing I realized while dealing with my aunt, it’s that I don’t even know myself anymore. I don’t even know what my dreams and aspirations are. Beyond being a daughter, a niece, a caregiver, all the roles I played with people, sino na ba ako talaga?

A few weeks before my aunt passed, I vowed to myself that as noble as my aunt was – she was a spinster who had devoted everything to the family, who basically forgot her when she was sick and broke – I do not want that kind of life and I will try to build my own life.

The weeks since have been a time to catch up on sleep, and slowly get back on our feet. I had lost my job prior to her getting sick, so now, I am trying to find a new job so we can pay off our debts and salvage what we can.

There is a strange yearning in my heart that I never had before, to meet someone and eventually settle down and try to build a family. I wonder if it’s escapism. It is so hard to be a breadwinner all this time. I actually felt asexual already. Either that or I felt more male than female. I have always felt comfortable being alone, but I never really felt alone and lonely until that time I was taking care of my aunt. In fact, there were times when I, in my insecure state, would ask her, could it still be possible? Who would want someone like me, at this stage? Is it too late? I don’t want to die the way she did, but I don’t want to have a relationship just because I do not wish to be alone. People can be so crazy. They say to spinsters or soon-to-be-spinsters like me to not be too choosy, just have a child so you won’t grow old alone. But I do not want a relationship just for that reason.

Right now, I wonder if this is a dream God has placed in my heart: to meet a good man I could have a relationship with, someone I could build a family with. There appear to be signs that signify that, but I wish to make sure.

In any case, I just wish to end this chapter of my life and begin again. Hopefully, this recollection will help me encounter God. I have an idea what I want, but I still have no idea what’s next. I still feel lost and clueless. But I can feel hope now. Before, life felt like dying everyday. Now, I can begin again. I hope this new chapter will be happy this time.

Ask and you shall receive. HOW come i don’t? Recall the stories in the gospel, the neighbor who wanted to borrow bread for a late night visitor and the woman asking for a favor from the judge. Two times they were rejected. The answer was No! But they persevered in asking. Finally, the neighbor got his bread and the judge favored the woman. So keep on asking. Keep on waiting. Keep on hoping. ?

I was smiling while praying. You see, like Zechariah & Elizabeth, my husband and I have given up on having a child. I’m 51 and I find it impossible that I will still bear one. But then, this reading gave me a smile. Maybe not a child (Indeed, I’m really very much like Zechariah), but another gift… I can only hope and wait… I also ask for the grace to be more positive… to be hopeful…

everytime i will encounter this reading about zechariah i really have this feeling for him, why would angel gabriel, sort of “punish” him for just asking “how could that happen”. isn’t it very human to doubt? or ask? when extraordinary or incredible things are presented to you to happen? why only zechariah? mary also asked gabriel during the annunciation if how could the thing he announced happen to her, yet the question was not taken against her. did our good Lord played favorites? 🙂 but just the same the Lord is indeed faithful in keeping His promises. 🙂 promises are made to be fulfilled, indeed. 🙂

I would sincerely appreciate help in praying that we may treat each other kindly and respectfully

I lost my father, mother and youngest brother in a span of 17 years, and was redundated from work 3 years ago. After what had happened, my self-confidence plunged down and wanted to give up hope after all that I’ve worked hard for just went down the drain. But thanks be to God, His grace and mercy keeps me alive every single day. I pray for more patience and more perseverance to know His will in all things.

God answers our prayers on His time & choosing. We often receive them & don’t recognize the wonderful gift He has given, like Zachariah. As a senior citizen & retiree, I began to wonder what was the purpose left in my life. This retreat has made me realize that God has given me the gift of experience. I should use this experience to help others, whether it be family members or others. I can reach out or I can wait to be asked. It will depend on the situation. But the Lord has given me this gift & I will find joy in helping others.

I have been praying for a better life – one which is not filled with so much pressures from personal and professional struggles. It seems that the desire for financial stability, better contribution from my husband, possibility to do things I cannot do now, are unreachable. I keep on struggling, hoping, working to achieve things that matter more than the things I am doing now. I have not given up, though, but it seems that all my desires remain empty and all my dreams are unfulfilled.

Also, I am also praying, albeit irregularly, for my beloved aunt who, in her twilight years, is abandoned by her daughters. I wrestle with my anger towards my cousins who are bereft of their much-needed love for their mother and my desire to pray that sooner than later, they may be use every single minute of their remaining time to show, in concrete ways, their love for their mother. Moreover, I feel drowned in guilt for refusing to take a responsibility which is not mine – of taking care of my aunt when her children have all the resources needed to love their mother. I too have multiple responsibilities that I have to face.

I pray for stronger hope, faith and trust in the Lord that one day, in the not-so-distant future, I may learn in the real value of patience, faith, hope and love.

Thank you for speaking to me, Lord, in this online retreat. Truly, Christ is the reason for this season. His love is constant in all the seasons of our lives. Our family is in the season of loss since the passing of my husband last quarter. I am still in my baby steps of grief journey. It will not be easy especially this season of Advent but I am holding on to God who carried me through it all. He has sent us his angels to watch and protect over us. I pray for healing and hope to conquer our hearts. I pray I will be able to learn to live, plan and dream again though my heart is frozen, numb and tired. Jesus, I trust in You. Let it be done to me according to your will.

Receiving the blessing of clarity and finding joy in what I have and where I am. Reviving hope and joy in my day-to-day. Reminding myself of the beauty in this chapter and season of my life right now.

My husband died suddenly two months ago and I am still grappling with the whys he was taken from us. The grief has been intense and my children and I are feeling so lost. I pray constantly for a deepening and strengthening of faith and hope. These I cannot afford to lose, though many times, I feel so fragile and overwhelmed by the loss we have to endure for the rest of our lives. May our hope be revived in that we will heal and move forward.